Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Just because he doesn't hit you doesn't mean it's not abuse.

I've shared a very important story at iVillage today.

If you're struggling with this - I want to be the stranger that tells you you're worth better.

17 comments:

  1. Easier said than done, unfortunately. There. Now. In it. Worth better? Maybe one day.

    Then there's the others who actually have support, who actually have friends that ask - 'are you ok'. Perhaps it's not so bad for those people..

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  2. Much like your other readers I too had been in a extremely similar situation for 7 years. Love was like an addiction. But I needed to love myself more. It took many times of trying but I made it. I too don't remember much of that time in my life and have unfortunately lost good memories too and I think the long bearing scar is being emotionally disconnected at times. But. I wouldn't change a thing. Good or bad. As I wouldn't be who I am today if none of it happened.
    I am now happily married with a beautiful 2.5 year old and another one due any week now.
    I am in such a good place in life now and I feel sad that the previous partner is still in just the same spot and I worry for the girl who ends up with him!
    Thanks for sharing. Everyone likes feeling like they are not alone!

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  3. I totally understand. I had no support, was terribly isolated. All the people i turned to were busy with their own lives, or were living the same circumstances. I also wasn't ready for a long time. It's hard. It's complicated, it often doesn't seem worth the effort, the massive upheaval. You do it when you're ready, or you learn to cope with it. I just want people to know that when the time comes, and you are ready, it is the best god damn thing you could ever do. Even if you don't think you're worth it. Even if NO-ONE does.

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  4. My abusive relationship happened early. My first boyfriend. He did hit me though. I lost a front tooth at 16. I was emerging from a terrifying childhood and I guess his psychotic behaviour felt very normal. Knocking my front tooth out woke me up. Never again.

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  5. Thanks for sharing Stacey. Reading this gets me quite upset, upset for you in that story and for me. I have moved on and repressed/therapied he arse out of a relationship that ended over 13 years ago. He didn't hit me, instead it was the guilt, the tantrums, the anger, the rage, the freezing me out for weeks on end... I was too young to deal with it so stayed as it was easier than seeing if the threats would come true. After nearly 5 years I knew enough was enough and packed a backpack and left. Best thing ever. Unfortunately he still feels it is necessary to try and make contact every few years which usually ends with another tirade. I am stronger now with an amazing family and just feel pity for him and strength for me.
    big love to you S xxxx

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  6. You are an amazing strong woman. Made me quite sad reading your story but I am grateful to know you now with your beautiful children and hubby x

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  7. Wow. That was really moving. Sadly I think many of us go through at least one abusive relationship in our lifetime and I certainly didn't recognise it for what it was until afterwards. I was fortunate that he moved onto someone else as I don't think I would have been able to escape otherwise. Thank you for posting that, it might give some people food for thought and be an idea in their head which might make them walk away in the future.

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  8. There were a couple of things that resonated in my head when I was thinking about leaving, and admitting to myself I knew I had to get out. I hope my words can resonate with someone else in their quiet moments of reflection.

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  9. I am such a different person... andI wouldn't want it any other way xx

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  10. I used to feel pity too. I think he was probably lonely and maybe scared and not really very good at interpersonal relationships! But that's no reason to treat someone like that. I don't feel anything anymore, and I haven't heard from him since he told me he'd stalk me for the rest of my life and drove off like a big bogan hoon 13 years ago. I actually asked him to hit me so I knew I'd leave and never come back.

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  11. Ah, the old shithouse childhood meaning we fall for shithouse guys. Yep, I'm right with you. I was only 16 too, and too young and unloved to know better. I'm so pleased you got out... and realised eventually psycho isnt normal! xx

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  12. Yeah I sort of think it's like quitting smoking - you need to do a couple of practice quits first before you let go entirely. I did that. And you get a little stronger every time. I used to be ashamed of it and wished it had never happened. I actually don't care anymore, and if my story can help others, then I'm sort of grateful I went through it. And a little tiny bit of me sort of still wants to fly-kick him to the face for taking advantage of a lost little girl.


    PS good luck with the new baby! mine is nearly 7 weeks old now, time flies...

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  13. Thanks for sharing. I was sobbing hysterically at a tram stop after an episode that was not unlike the one you've described when a stranger who'd witnessed the embarrassing scene actually referred to me as ' the battered wife'. At first I was offended but I soon realised he hit the nail right on the head. One of the things that made it so difficult for me to leave was that he was not just a shit head who abused me at home and in public, he was clever enough to behave like a prince in front of family and the few friends he allowed me to have so if I did speak of leaving to anyone I was very quickly told how lucky I was to have such a caring boyfriend...

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  14. Ahhh what a prick! They're so calculating, so manipulative, so sneaky. Mine wasn't a prince, but definitely toned it down in front of others. Which didn't help when it came to me justifying it to myself. So glad you got out xx

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